Anti-medicines

Well.. I’m finally recuperating. I’ve been ill for a few days since Sunday. I woke up at noon and I began to throw up intermittently in intervals of 20 minutes. Food poisoning? Not possible.. stuff I had the day before was eaten by at least a dozen other people who had no symptoms whatsoever. Alcohol maybe? That could be a reason. Since the birthday gals knew johnny walker black label would be drunk a lot by us, she stocked up on those and probably got them rather cheap.. the kind of cheap that would raise suspicion. We all drank from it and we seemed to be hitting our limits a lot faster than usual, throwing up earlier than we were normally used to. Or could it be the party the day before the birthday bash? Maybe there was a terminal guy who infected us all that night.

It doesn’t really matter in hindsight.. I’m getting better as we speak (finally) and I’m just glad I’m not puking water anymore (it was yellowish.. GROSS). People kept saying I should go to the doctor. But that’s sounded too wussy so obviously I didn’t go. Others kept saying “take some drugs!” and I was like “ooh that’s a brilliant idea!”, but then I found out they weren’t talking about the narcotics kind.. No but you know.. I don’t take drugs. I don’t swallow pills of any kind. It’s against my principles. I’m more the kind of guy who leaves things up to my immune system. It’s good training, it’s like a vaccin. Only this time the things inside of me aren’t so benign. Nonetheless, it makes perfect sense. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Hell, maybe medicines aren’t even that good for you to begin with. What if there’s this one corrupt company who produces all the drugs and purposely try to get people hooked on their stuff, by adding some secret shit that kills a part of your immune system so you’ll HAVE to use their drugs to get better?

Maybe I’m a little paranoid, whatever. I’m just glad that whenever I get sick, I don’t have to get a freaking doctor’s note to stand in line at the pharmacy to get some bad tasting white pills that won’t benefit me even in the short term. It’s survival of the fittest and I’m gonna try to be as fit as possible all by myself! I’m gonna make it.. ON MY OWN!

I’m flattered, but..

Strange things have been happening lately.. or actually, about a month ago, but I was way too swamped to be blogging about it. So it was mid August and I had to work pretty much full-time because my siblings were chilling in Spain and so was my dad. By the time my dad came back, my mum went to China for a reunion with her high school classmates. 3 weeks did I have to work my ass off during the holidays!

But that’s not what I wanted to talk about, it was about these strange things right? So I noticed I’ve been getting a lot of attention (or so it seems), but.. not from girls.. When I was working those 3 weeks, this guy came pretty much every day for take away, when usually he would just come bi-weekly. At Ikea’s too! I was just minding my own business, having dunch/linner when this guy sat down two tables over. When he sat down, we faced the same direction, but just before he did, he looked (or actually stared) at me for a few seconds and then smiled. Mind you, he wasn’t laughing at me, it was a polite yet flirty smile. When he sat down, he turned around to take another good look. Apparently one good look at me wasn’t satisfactory (a part of me wants to say BOOYEAH right now). Then his lady friend joined him at his table. I see them exchanging some words and then SHE TOO starts looking at me and smiles at me. For a minute there, I was like.. no, there must be someone sitting behind me. That didn’t seem to be the case though. Just to be sure, when I left, I told my friend that they’ve been looking and that she should keep an eye on them while I walk away.. Just to be sure they were looking at me and not her. And yup, she confirmed the fact it was me.

Now I don’t mind being looked at. Hell, I encourage it! Hehe, but seriously? Guys? Am I sending some kind of gay vibe? Cause let me get this gay.. er, I mean straight! I’m straight!

I love you (but not really)

Remember my previous post? Yeah, I can’t seem to get so mad at someone that I feel like having a fierce argument with them.. Apparently, this goes for affection as well.

I’m a hopeless romantic. In case you’re familiar with “How I Met Your Mother”, I’m definitely a Ted. I’m crazy about taking a girl out for dinner, lie under the stars and gaze for falling stars or just lie next to them feeling her breath and subconsciously breathing in sync with her just so I won’t disturb her while she’s sleeping. But I lack the emotions to make the scenery a movie-like one. Despite my desire of wanting to be all that, all the cheesy stuff, the sleepless nights and my butterflies having butterflies themselves, I can’t seem to get there.

Maybe it’s a matter of finding the right girl, maybe it’s a matter of time.. to be honest though, I’m starting to get a little impatient of having to wait. Maybe it’s because I’m too rational and calm to have those feelings or might it be because I’m trying to protect myself from the vulnerability?

Regardless, I feel like I’m condemned, with my soft, mushy heart trying to pound its way out of its current stone exterior. I’m optimistic though.. one of these days, it’ll shatter right through it, with the help of someone else’s soft and mushy heart.

Bow wow wow

It’s like 30 degrees (that’s about 90 degrees for you non-metric people :P) and I’ve had urges to refurbish everything.. for online banking, I’ve got this device to input numbers so I get a validation code. Problem with it, is that it runs on batteries and they were totally used up about 2 weeks ago. So.. I’ve cut a USB-cable and soldered it onto the device.. and it works! God I feel sexy! Am I a geek or what?!

I also wanted to make myself a new desk, but didn’t feel like buying a lot of stuff. So I made one out of a door that’s been lying around for ages. I bought some black paint to go with it, but all of a sudden, I started to get the hang of painting.. so I painted my bed as well and some doors as well.. Totally awesome! You gotta love black!

On a different note, little over a week ago I had about 1 hour of sleep and had to work immediately after waking up for 12 hours straight (7 hours as a sales clerk and 5 hours waitering). After that there was a birthday bash I had to attend, but boy, was I tired! This is the result of me, a fatboy and a chain made from a gazillion key chains (and some annoying people who treated me like a dog). Don’t watch it unless you REALLY have nothing else to do, like me. I’m even gonna show you HOW little I have to do these days.. I’m gonna give you the full transcript of the next video.

[0:00-1:00]
j: cookie
h: your other paw
j: COOKIE!
h: SIT!
s: good doggy
h: good doggy
h: how come your head is so flat?!
c: s, give it a good pull! make him stand up
s: get up, now!
s: get up!
h: SIT!
c: j, j, play dead! good boy! j, j, j! stay dead!
h: cookie?
h: SIT!
s: wait I’m gonna give him a cookie, cause I’m so sweet like that. Or do you think he’d rather have meat instead?
j: wait a minute, so… why do I have this chain?!
s: look!
j: that’s not a cookie
h: dogs like meat
s: yeah, dogs like meat!
c: if you eat it, you’re submitting to them
s: come on, doggies like it

[1:00-2:00]
s: AAH HE’S BITING ME
h: quick, go to the hospital, go to the hospital
s: AAAH!
s: …
s: it doesn’t even really hurt..
c: he’s not using his teeth
s: yes he is
s: ew! gross
s: here, doggy.. eat!
j: I don’t wanna eat
j: wow, what’s up with the agressiveness
c: you know, the chain actually looks rather sexy on you
c: very burlesque
j: I know, I make everything look sexy
h: “I make everything look sexy”, haha
s: EAT! EAT!
h: I think that chicken wing has been on the floor but whatever..
j: why are you doing this?
j: let me see your hand!
c: symmetry, it’s necessary
j: yeah cause else the world would fall apart
c: indeed
s: why is it necessary?
j: SYMMETRY!
c: SYMMETRY!
j: it means…
s: I KNOW WHAT CEMETERY MEANS.. it’s…
c: minus one!
j: yeah
s: no, cemetery is…
s: …

[2:00-3:00]
j: contitent
c: CONTITENT!
s: I hate you!
j: I know, I know damn well you hate me
h: S&M, S&M!
h: you’ll be parading around with a mark of that bitchslap on your face
c: I’m telling you guys, this is YouTube worthy
s: doggy, doggy, here you go
h: don’t eat it, don’t eat it
h: s, just slap his face
s: good boy
s: let’s go, I’m gonna walk you
c: s, you know what you should do? you should grab his iPhone, throw it away and say “fetch”. He’s definitely gonna fetch it. It’s his iPhone.. it’s sacred!
j: …
j: she should grab my WHAT?!
c: your iPhone!
j: nooo!
c: it took him that long to catch on to that one
j: my left pocket, my left pocket
s: fuck you and your left pocket
j: my back pocket, my back pocket

[3:00-4:00]
c: j, is that an iphone in your pocket or are you just happy to see her?
j: I don’t know what your dick looks like.. dude!
c: but it’s about width!
s: good doggy
h: what kind of a lame ass dog eats cucumbers?!
c: what kind of a dog deepthroats cucumbers?!
s: but you don’t have any cookies
h: yes I do, upper right cupboard
s: Pringles?!
h: yeah
c: j, you’re getting fed again, but this time under compromising circumstances
c: s, do you know what compromising means?
s: no
c: okay
h: what a lame ass dog
s: right?!
h: you feed him, but there’s nothing in return
c: s, try to make him do tricks
h: yeah
s: come on
g: somersault!
h: yeah a somersault!

[4:00-5:00]
j: what kind of dog does somersaults?!
c: he’s got a point
g: no seriously some dogs jump and do somersaults
j: I think you’re confused with the toy
c: the forest lady behind the desk. seriously, all I can see is your head.
h: omg he’s getting up he’s getting up *makes weird sound*
s: get up
h: good boy
j: can I hump your leg like a dog, too?
s: okay! do it! I DARE YOU!
c: this I gotta see! this I gotta see!
s: DO IT!
j: i’m not seriously gonna hump your leg, come on!
h: do it, do it!
s: get up, I already told you several times, get up!
j: couldn’t you just give me your feet so I can hump it whilst lying?
s: no way, get up!
c: hey j, when you’re humping her leg, don’t forget to close your eyes, cause she’s that ugly
j: but dogs never close their eyes when humping legs

[5:00-6:00]
c: aren’t you familiar with that expression?
c: so glad that isn’t on camera
s: get up! get up! get up!
h: your dog sucks!
s: wait, i’ll lift him up
j: do I look like… wait, where are you gonna upload that video to?!
s: yes you look just like..
c: what?
j: do I look like jason?!
c: if you were still wondering what below the belt means, that was it
s: get up!
h: who’s calling at this hour?
h: it’s Jimmy..
h (phone): Hello?
j: WOW! so this is what i’ve been wearing all this time

[6:00-7:00]
s: yeah, what did you think?!
j: that’s hot
s: doggy, get up
h: j, did you get here by car?
j: yes I did
c: s, you should get on top of him and ride him while holding on to that chain of his
h (phone): yes he did, why?
c: right, now grind it
j: why? who’s asking?
s: j, are you getting up?
j: no
s: why not?
h (phone): where are you right now?
j: just because
s: you have to be a good doggy
h (phone): ow okay, so what now?
s: what are you taping?!
c: you two!
h: does anyone.. wait.. j, do you have booster cables?
j: no
h (phone): owwww he doesn’t have one
j: I could go to the nearest petrol station
j: wait, who is it?
h: Niels
h (phone): you can’t drive, right?
h: he can’t turn on his engine, so he can’t go to the petrol station

[7:00-8:00]
g: PUSH IT, PUSH IT!!
j: no I said I could go to the neareast petrol station
h: ow ok, that’s possible I guess
j: where’s he at?
h: where does Jimmy live again?

So after that, I finally got up to start a friend’s engine. Even tired and at 4AM am I prepared to get out to help people in need.. ain’t that something.. anyway, I think it’s apparent that I’m bored outta my mind right now.. If you’ve actually seen the entire video and/or read everything, you’re probably as bored as I am! Join the club :P

I hate you (but not really)

I’ve always wanted a good fight. Just for the fun of it. It seems so natural to have a fight once in a while. But I guess I’ve always suppressed my anger. Not once was I so angry at someone that I started throwing things at them or getting things thrown at me for being a huge dick (mind you, I said being a huge dick, not having). The closest I ever got to a rage, was when my dad pissed me off over the phone. At the time, I was in my own room. I grabbed my keys and threw them against the wall, but since my walls are soft, my keys almost went right through the wall. I looked at it, at my keys, hanging in there and immediately started smiling after that. Altogether, that wasn’t even 10 seconds.

I guess it’s my soft character that’s keeping my anger from coming out. Whenever someone gets too pissed off or sad or just not happy in general I tend to give them attention. Be nice, be sweet, be considerate or apologize, even if I’m not sorry at all or worse.. have no fucking clue what the hell I should be sorry about in the first place. But that’s okay, one of these days I’m gonna be an ass, treat them badly so I can finally have a big ridiculously useless fight and have dishware thrown at my face.

Mind you, the latter is NOT an invitation to randomly throw a plate at me.

Dancing is like sex

Ever heard this one? Some people make the funniest connections. Let’s compare the similarities: more often than not, it’s the man who’s leading. Knowing how to move your hips is essential. You work up a good sweat. Both are usually done with limited lighting. But as far as I’m concerned, that’s where it all comes to a halt. Dancing is like sex? Hell no!

You know what I think? I think the people who claim dancing is just like sex never really had sex in the first place. Either that or all this time they’ve been dancing really REALLY wrong.

If I had two penises

What’s up with guys getting a kick out of girls kissing each other? Seriously, explain it to me. Cause frankly, I’d rather see either one of those girls kissing me instead. Is that just me?

Don’t even get me started on threesomes! What’s the freaking fun in that? In the exceptional case, if you’re a real giver I could imagine you’d like to send two girls to heavens simultaneously, moaning/screaming.. but it’s not for me.. I’m not to say I’m not so much a giver as I am a taker.. but it’s just that, if there would be two vaginas right in front of me*, I’d better have two penises as well** or else I’m just not able to focus my attention on both of them.

But nooooo, He only gave me one. I think it’s God’s way of telling me I should just stick with one girl.

* neeeever gonna happen
* neeeeeeeeever gonna happen

Got milk? No, I’m afraid not..

Our body is a wonderland. As a result of evolution, we’ve developed a set of the most optimal features in order to cope with nature and staying alive for as long as possible. However, I can’t help but wonder why some features didn’t develop a little more. Cause we’ve got two eyes but just the one nose, albeit with two nostrils. We’ve got one heart, but two lungs, one liver but two kidneys, one penis but two balls. Why we didn’t just get two of everything is beyond me (excluding the penis part of course). Just imagine, we’d always have a spare one! No need to be careful!

In contrast, why do we have so many of some things or have them at all? Like with fingers, wouldn’t 3 on each suffice? And while I understand why we have fingers at all, what’s the practical use of having toes?! I can’t do anything with my toe! Can you?! The appendix, what the hell is that for? Why do I need an Adam’s apple? Women don’t have them and they seem to do perfectly fine without it (or do they now?). Apparently it’s possible to have a body part made for just men or women.  So why the hell am I still walking around with these useless nipples?!

You gotta love family

Just the other day my 10 year old cousin stayed over at our place. Since her mom’s birthday was coming up, she wanted to make something special for her. She ultimately decided to make her own birthday cake which turned out like this:

Hoera! Mama! just means Hurrah!* Mommy! in Dutch. There’s just this small minor thing which gotten my attention though. When I went to get the cake and glanced over it, I thought it read Hoer! Mama!, because the ‘a’ was not as apparent as the other letters. What does Hoer! Mama! mean then? Well, it means Whore! Mama! so you can imagine my consternation.

On a different note, my baby sister has the tendency to look for smileys in pretty much everything. Be it trees, foam, clouds.. Doesn’t matter what it is, she’ll always be able to see some kind of smiley. I think it’s contagious, cause last time I went to the toilet, I spotted this and couldn’t help but laugh while peeing and taking the picture. Not simultaneously by the way! At least, not to my recollection..

* Somehow when I read Hurrah I’m thinking Hannah (Montana).. Blegh! By the way, this post is dedicated to xenophilicx, cause I’m a thoughtful person too! Ow and I sooo stole your thing with the footnotes! *evil laugh*

Discafully Channol

Remember the 3 guinea pigs, 7 butterflies and half a peking duck? I just remembered I forgot to mention another peculiar thing with channels like National Geographic and Discovery Channel. Every time a foreigner is interviewed, they always do a voice-over. Now I don’t mind the voice-over, but what’s the deal with the accent? It kinda beats the whole idea of making it understandable! This even happens with news channels like CNN and BBC. It’s comical! I wonder.. do they actually hire natives who speak some English, or are they like a actors who are able to do tens of accents?! Isn’t it easier to just sub everything?